The Enterprise Crew Watches Star Trek XI
by SpirkTrekker42
Summary: What happens if you throw all the characters from Star Trek into a cave, turn on Star Trek XI, and have them comment during and after the movie? Chaos and hilarity, that's what. NO K/S SLASH. Still fun with insightful Spock Prime!
1. Kirk Is Attracted To Females, Duh!

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nutrek blongs to Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman. Kirk isn't mine but we're working on that.

A/N: I based this format of humor fic on one found in the Pirates of the Caribbean section after I asked that author's permission. I thought it was only logical to apply it to Star Trek. Mission to Gamus update is coming tomorrow – PROMISE.

Oh and there's no blatant K/S slash in this one. All of the events of the movie occurred exactly like in the film. Kirk didn't get much of an insight into Spock Prime's thoughts during the meld. There's no reason Kirk and Spock should be interested in each other. Spock and Uhura are even going out. But, trust me when I say this story is enjoyable for non-slashers and slashers alike. That's all I'm going to say!

Warning: CRACK. Also, lame inside jokes for people who know Trek.

_The Enterprise Gang Watches Star Trek XI_

_Poof!_ All of the sudden the entire cast from Star Trek XI (or 2009 or Reboot or Nutrek depending on your preference) found themselves stranded in a cave on a deserted ice planet that Spock marooned Kirk on for insubordination. They plunked down on a large sofa in front of a massive plasma screen TV.

"This is most illogical," Spock muttered, wishing he had his scientific instruments to conduct an analysis of this most unusual mode of transportation.

"This is wery strange," Chekov added. Sulu agreed with him.

"Ayel, sit by meeee!" Nero squealed, yanking his Romulan buddy over to sit next to him on the couch. The Romulan villain put his arm around his subordinate and lay his head on Ayel's shoulder.

"Dude - not in front of the humans." Ayel brushed Nero off of him. "So not cool, man."

"Is anybody injured?" Dr. McCoy ran around the room, waving his medical scanner in everyone's faces. "Maybe I should give you all hypos just in case you became infected with Andorian shingles during the trip here."

"No!" Cupcake the security guard growled. "We don't need you giving us shots every five minutes!" McCoy gave a squeak of fright at the rogue Romulan and went to hide behind Kirk, not because Kirk was a good bodyguard (let's face it, Kirk always got beat up in a fight) but because supposedly Cupcake had a thing for Kirk and he would be an effective shield. (Although it could be just a rumor, you never knew.)

"Hey, where did Gaila go?" Kirk whined, frantically searching the room for his Orion bedmate.

"Excuse me, _Captain_," Uhura sweetly interrupted, motioning towards the screen. "But I'd appreciate it if you would lower your voice. It's starting."

Everybody took the hint and turned their attentions to the movie. And when I mean everybody, I mean Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Uhura, Scotty, Keenser, Sulu, Chekov, Gaila, Admiral Pike, Admiral Barnett, Sarek, Amanda, George, Winona, Nero, Ayel, Olson, Cupcake, Nurse Chapel, and last but certainly not least, Spock Prime.

The Paramount logo flashed across the screen, followed by the Bad Robot logo. The movie opened with the _Kelvin_ being attacked by the _Narada_. Everyone watched the events that led to Jim Kirk's birth, and George and Winona's tearful goodbye. (Nero sobbed all over Ayel, who did not look pleased. Even though it was Nero who killed George in the first place, this goes to show just how out of his mind Nero was.) Uhura cuddled up next to Spock, who put his arm around her. Because in this universe, PDA for half-Vulcans was A-OK!

"You guys make me sick," Kirk grumbled as he watched Uhura reach for Spock's hand.

"I think they're cute together," said Nurse Chapel, sighing dreamily. "But if Uhura ever broke up with Spock, I'd definitely go after him."

"DID I HEAR YOU SAY 'SICK'?" McCoy's ears perked up. "Jim, you might need a cure for this sickness of yours." Bones leaped up, hypo in hand. "Nurse Chapel, quit your mooning over the hobgoblin and give me a hand!"

"Chill, Bones," sighed Kirk. "Nevermind. I'm not really sick, and certainly don't need a cure. In fact, I'm going to sit over here next to him." He pointed to Spock Prime. "At least _he_ thinks I'm awesome." Sure enough, Spock Prime slightly smiled when Jim moved to sit next to him. Bones decided now was not the time to point out that the elderly Vulcan had most likely reached the point of senility.

On the screen, the_ Kelvin_ collided with the _Narada_. Thanks to George Kirk's valiant efforts, Winona and baby Jim was safe.

"Woooo, I dodged a bullet!" Kirk yelled after the scene was over.

"You're welcome, kid," said George Kirk. "It was a worthy sacrifice."

"No, Dad, I mean, I didn't have to grow up with a first name like Tiberius," Kirk explained.

"I was never really going to name you that," Winona insisted.

"Riiiiiiight," said Jim.

.~.

They watched the scene change to Iowa. Lil Kirk drove a kick ass convertible off a cliff because that totally wasn't a metaphor for how he liked to live life. Then it cut to Vulcan where Lil Spock got in a fight with some Vulcan kids because one of them told a bad 'yo mama' joke. (Kirk giggled at that, but he stopped once he saw Spock glaring at him.)

Lil Kirk and Lil Spock quickly grew into BAMFs. Kirk became a misunderstood drunken genius slacker who liked to hit on Uhura in bars. Spock grew into a stoic rebel genius scientist who told the Vulcan council to eff off and die. (Or was it live long and prosper? They sounded the same to the audience.) Spock Prime actually smiled during that scene, which, for a Vulcan, is MAJOR LIKE WOAH SIGNIFICANT. He was amused, as he'd never been brave enough to say that to the VSA council in his lifetime. After all, it was an alternate universe they were watching.

Pike somehow convinced Kirk to join Starfleet, but he didn't have to study much cause Kirk's a friggin' genius like that. As the movie progressed, it was obvious to the audience that Kirk thought about having sex with girls all the time. In case you weren't sure if the guy was interested in women, Kirk solidified your belief by impolitely staring at anything with boobs that moved. And if perhaps you somehow missed that Kirk was attracted to women, they threw in a love scene between Gaila and Kirk.

This particular scene between the Orion girl and future captain caused some problems for the audience because half the crew of the _Enterprise_ was secretly in love with Kirk and the other half in love with Gaila. Uhura was put out by all the guys in the room drooling over the sex scene. Especially when she saw the Spock looked just as fascinated as the rest of them. Actually he looked rather blank, but she knew exactly what that telltale furrowed brow meant. It helped to remind herself that Spock had never showed any outward interest in her Orion roommate before, so she had nothing to worry about. He was just having a normal physiological reaction to visual stimulation.

After the love scene was over, Scotty got up to fix himself a sandwich. Which was really a shame, because he had to miss the part where Kirk made out with an apple whilst becoming the first Starfleet cadet to ever beat the Kobayashi Maru test. Keenser trailed after Scotty because he was Scotty's little alien shadow. (Scotty hadn't really needed the sandwich, he just needed to hightail it out of there after those racy shots of Uhura in her plain cotton underwear and bra!)

Bones nodded off and started snoring during the epic trial of Kirk vs. Spock, which earned him a smack in the head from Kirk.

"Dammit, Jim, I was trying to sleep!" McCoy growled, much to Kirk's displeasure.

"Dude, this is a hell of an important scene!" The young captain insisted. The doctor snorted at that.

"Why? All you guys do is argue and stare at each other."

"Awww, Captain Kirk, I didn't know you cared!" Admiral Barnett blubbered, as he had featured prominently in the scene acting as judge. Kirk rolled his eyes.

"It's not because of you! This scene is important because it features the awesomeness of one James Tiberius Kirk! He's a really sexy guy who saved Earth, maybe you've heard of him?"

"If only you could hear yourself, Kirk," said Uhura, shaking her head. "Narcissus had less of an ego than you, and he died from staring at his reflection for too long! And you wonder why I don't want to jump into bed with you…"

"That's _Captain_ Kirk, Lieutenant," Kirk reprimanded her, with mock-sternness. "Do try to remember my title next time."

"Spock! I shouldn't have to stand for this," Uhura complained to her boyfriend. But Spock thought it was illogical to get involved in matters that weren't immediately related to him. So everyone got to listen to Kirk and Uhura's bickering until it was time for the_ Enterprise_ to leave space dock.

"You know, we_ really_ don't have to watch this part," Sulu insisted.

"Nonsense. Do not be embarrassed that you forgot to release the external inertial dampener," said Spock. "It is a mistake that any young, inexperienced cadet could make." Spock Prime winced.

"Tell me I was not this harsh towards others when I was his age," the elder Spock mumbled under his breath. "No wonder Kirk was my first friend!"

"You weren't friends with Uhura first?" Kirk looked at the old Vulcan in surprise.

"No I was not. We did not meet at Starfleet, as we did in this timeline," Spock Prime clarified. Kirk got a knowing look in his eyes.

"Does this mean that you didn't date Uhura either?"

"I was not interested in a romantic entanglement with Miss Uhura."

"I see," Kirk mused. "Huh. So, does this mean that I-"

"Kirk, I wouldn't have gone out with you in any universe," Uhura interrupted. Kirk shot her a wounded look.

"How did you know that's what I was going to ask?" She rolled her eyes.

"Oh please. What_ else_ would you be asking about?"

"Well now you'll never know." Kirk stuck his tongue out at her.

.~.

TBC!

A/N: I hope it was at least mildly funny. School has started, and this is how I deal with stress. Mission to Gamus will be updated tomorrow if I have to kill myself.


	2. Homage To The Wrath Of Khan

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nutrek blongs to Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman. Kirk isn't mine but we're working on that.

A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed last time, and for those who reviewed Mission To Gamus! I love you all.

Warning: CRACK. Also, lame inside jokes for people who know Trek.

_The Enterprise Gang Watches Star Trek XI_

_Chapter 2: Homage To The Wrath Of Khan That Also Steals Much From Star Wars_

They turned their attention back to the movie. Everyone watched as Kirk saved them from a quick obliteration by Nero because out of 800 people on board the ship, Kirk was the only one to connect the dots that a lightning storm in space equals death trap. Soon Pike ordered Spock, Kirk, and Mr. Champion Fencer to come with him. Much to Spock's chagrin, Pike promoted Spock to Captain and Kirk to First Officer.

"Sir, why did you make Kirk first officer?" Spock wanted to know.

"Because I'm awesome," Kirk answered for Pike.

"I was not addressing you, _James_." Spock huffed. "Admiral Pike, if you please?"

"I just think you guys would make a great team," Pike said honestly. "Kirk, you need Spock to keep you from trying every crazy idea that runs through your head. Spock, you need Kirk to help you loosen up."

"Makes sense to me." Kirk beamed at Spock, who rose his eyebrows and turned away, muttering something about illogical humans.

Onscreen, it was time for Kirk, Sulu, and Olson's space jump. Spock Prime leaned over and whispered something to Kirk.

"Sure I'll let you know right before Vulcan implodes so you don't have to watch it happen," Kirk said rather loudly. Everyone in the room, save for Ayel and Nero, gasped in horror.

"VULCAN IMPLODED!?! Ach, lad, ye just spoiled the movie!" Scotty exclaimed from the kitchen.

"Why would you do such a thing, Jim?" Pike wanted to know.

"Uh, sir," Kirk reminded him. "You knew Vulcan was destroyed. Scotty I can excuse on grounds of being eccentric, but not you."

"Oh, that's right, now I remember." said Pike. "Guess that brain slug did more damage than I thought…" He bared his teeth at Nero, who began to innocently whistle the tune to 'Lamb Chop's Play Along'. It didn't help his case much.

.~.

As it turned out, the cadets managed to knock out the drill, but Olson exploded in fiery blast of death. (Everyone blamed the red uniform.) Chekov managed to earn his keep by beaming back a falling, linked Kirk and Sulu at the same time.

"Thanks for saving my life, Pavel," cried Sulu.

"You're welcome," said Chekov. "It wouldn't be the same on the bridge without you, Hikaru."

"Will you two go get a room?" Bones growled. "The way you keep staring at each other makes my skin crawl. I can't quite put my finger on it, but sorta reminds me of the way Jim-"

"wanted to warn everyone that Vulcan's destruction has arrived," Kirk loudly interrupted, shooting a death glare at the doctor. Bones was about to make a smart-ass remark when Chekov and Sulu left to "use the facilities".

"Uh, guys, I was kidding," McCoy laughed nervously. "Guys?" They didn't return. McCoy really didn't want to think about that, so he focused on the movie instead.

Vulcan's epic implosion was accompanied by tragically sad music, courtesy of genius composer Michael Giacchino. Just before that, Spock accidentally let his mom slip through his fingers to her death. Uhura tried to comfort Spock but wasn't allowed to give Spock what he needed by the Vulcan's own doing.

"Rejected!" Kirk taunted Uhura, who was not pleased.

"Kirk, you are such an ass," she snapped. "All of us deal with grief differently. I think Spock's reaction was perfectly normal for a Vulcan."

"Yeah, well, he's half human too," Kirk muttered. "Sometimes you gotta call him on his bullshit if you're ever going to cut through his Vulcan defenses. But what do I know? _I'm_ not his girlfriend." Spock Prime had a random, massive coughing fit. Kirk and Uhura glared at each other yet again. Spock slid down a little lower on the couch, and tried to disappear. He failed.

Next up on _Homage To The Wrath Of Khan That Also Steals Much From Star Wars_, it was time for Pike's torture scene.

"Excellent," Nero sneered. "We get to watch the puny human divulge Earth's codes."

"You're not so tough, Nero, if you had to rely on a slug to do your dirty work," Pike taunted.

"Shut up," the Romulan leader yelled. "I don't have to listen to you. I'd rather talk to Spoooooock!" The half-Vulcan sighed.

"What is it that you need, Nero?"

"Nothing, just wanted to yell your name really loud," Nero admitted with a sheepish grin.

"Very hot, sir," Ayel complimented him.

"Thanks," said a blushing Nero.

"Well that was awkward," said McCoy.

"Honestly, Nero," said Kirk, shaking his head as he tried to forget that last exchange. "You really suck as a villain if you have to resort to imitating Khan."

"I'm not imitating anyone! I'm my own person," Nero growled. "My numerous similarities to Khan including the loss of my wife, my power-hungry tendencies, and my bent on destruction and revenge persona are irrelevant! Do you hear me? _Irrelevant_!"

The torture scene finished, and now it was time for Kirk and Spock's fight number one. Everyone watched as they debated what to do next. Well, Spock debated – logically. Kirk just sort of yelled. Eventually Spock got fed up with Kirk's disrespectful attitude and ordered him of the ship.

"Dude, did you _really _have to nerve pinch me?" Kirk wanted to know. "Cause my neck still really hurts. Maybe you could massage it for me?" Spock Prime coughed as Kirk devilishly waggled his eyebrows at his younger self. This was almost too much for the elderly Vulcan!

"You deserved it!" Spock insisted, ignoring Kirk's immature comment. "You were undermining my authority as captain."

"Yeah, but Delta friggin Vega? I almost got eaten by a monster! Twice!" Kirk wailed. "There were two separate monsters!" Indeed, there were. Everyone watched as Kirk was chased by the first monster, and then the second.

"It seemed like the most logical thing to do at the time," said Spock. "You were beginning to emotionally compromise me."

"My Kirk had that affect on me as well," Spock Prime volunteered.

"_Your_ Kirk?" McCoy frowned. Spock Prime cleared his throat.

"The Kirk of my timeline," the elder Spock elaborated.

"Yeah, well, you seem to be a lot more stable than this Spock here," said McCoy. "I'll bet you didn't choke your Kirk."

"Actually… I am ashamed to say that I did." Spock Prime blushed, but would not elaborate on the circumstances.

"I know what happened!" Kirk said, sounding smug.

"Tell us!" Uhura urged. "Please?" Spock Prime looked terrified at this aspect.

"I would appreciate if you did not, Jim. That information could have disastrous effects on your timeline as we know it."

"I wasn't going to tell, Spock," said Kirk with a smile. "I would never betray your confidence like that. This guy melded with me, and Vulcans don't do that with just anyone," he informed his audience. "In fact, Spock, have you ever melded with Uhura?"

"Whether I have or haven't is none of your concern," said the younger Spock. Uhura gave him a sad face, cause she was really hurt she hadn't experienced a meld. "Do not look at me like that, Nyota. Mind melds are usually reserved for bondmates only, although in extreme circumstances they have been used to transmit information." Uhura felt better.

"More proof that this guy is reaching senility," McCoy muttered.

"That must be it," Kirk said with a straight face.

They all watched Spock Prime save Kirk from the Wampa Ice Creature, err the Delta Vega monster. Spock mentioned that Kirk had been and always would be his friend. Everyone gathered from their conversation that Kirk and Spock had been besties in the other universe.

"Like that will happen," said Spock. "I would rather be best friends with Nero." Kirk and Spock Prime shared a look of amusement, as if they knew something everyone else didn't. And perhaps they did!

End Ch. 2

A/N: More to come!


	3. I'll Stop The World And Meld With You

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nutrek blongs to Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman. Kirk isn't mine but we're working on that.

A/N: More fun times with our favorite Trek characters! I thought I'd be done with the movie by now but I'm barely half-way through!

Warning: CRACK. Also, lame inside jokes for people who know Trek.

_The Enterprise Gang Watches Star Trek XI_

_Chapter 3: I'll Stop The World And Meld With You_

Onscreen, Spock Prime melded with Kirk because he thought a meld would be the easiest way to explain how the hell he'd ended up stranded on Delta Vega. Through the meld, the audience watched as the scene flashed back to Spock Prime's capture by Nero.

"I do not understand the logic of your decision," said younger Spock, glancing at his elder self in veiled disapproval. "Melds are an intimate form of communication. You could have simply told Kirk what Nero had done."

"Ah, but this way I could be sure that Jim would believe me," Spock Prime countered. Spock shook his head, miffed by the casual way his older self was treating this situation. "It was imperative that he knew I was speaking the truth." Spock stood firm.

"It was still an illogical action."

"And this distresses you?" Spock Prime asked. A knowing gleam shone in his ancient eyes.

"He is my captain. I need him to be fully functional at all times," Spock explained, as if this was obvious. Kirk choked back his laughter at Spock's answer. He could be so unintentionally funny sometimes! Kirk liked that about the Vulcan.

"But you could've really hurt him!" Uhura spoke up, frowning at the wizened Vulcan.

"Aw, that's sweet of you, Nyota!" Kirk teased, earning him another glare from the communications officer.

"Don't call me that!" She snapped. "Not that I _care_ about Kirk or anything," she explained. "I just don't want his brain damaged _any further_." Kirk tried not to look affronted, and failed miserably.

In the movie, Spock Prime was explaining how he failed to prevent the supernova from consuming Romulus on time. For that, Nero thought it was suitable to destroy Vulcan and make Spock watch. Thus, why he ended up stuck all alone on Delta Vega, with not even a bondmate for company. Now it made sense to the audience why Spock had been so overtly thrilled to have Jim come find him in the cave, as it had been a rather depressing day for the old Vulcan.

"I agree with the lieutenant," Spock added as he addressed the elderly Vulcan. "The meld irresponsible action on your part, and I will state my reasoning. You are aware that in many cases, human minds are not strong enough to endure the effects of a meld." Spock clearly was disturbed that this could've occurred. "You might have damaged him permanently."

"Spock, I did not act in a rash fashion," Prime defended his actions. "I have melded with Jim's counterpart countless times in our universe. I was already aware that our minds were quite compatible." Spock's eyes widened at that, as it was rare for two minds of different species to be compatible. It was why he had resisted melding with Nyota – it wasn't essential for the success of their relatively young relationship at this point. He didn't want to chance it in case their minds were incompatible, which would leave her broken-hearted. She was a highly competent, intelligent, and logical woman who loved him; their relationship was perfectly adequate the way it was! It _would _figure his mind would be compatible with his captain, of all people. They did work well during crisis situations, but other than that, the commander couldn't see why this information would be very beneficial. Spock had also still not reached adult Vulcan status.

On screen, Jim came out of the meld breathing hard. He was so shaken by what he'd seen in the meld, he almost suffered a nervous breakdown! (Nero and Ayel had conveniently left the room during that scene, Bones noted. He was relieved that they hadn't gone off together a la Sulu and Chekov, who still hadn't returned, but were only avoiding the audience's unpleasant reaction to their treatment of Spock Prime. He hoped, anyway.) But he had other, more important things on his mind at the moment.

Bones was not amused by the elder's treatment of his friend. He took it out on the Vulcan elder the only way he knew how – he yelled.

"What the hell did you do to him, you green-blooded sonuva-"

"Bones!" Kirk interrupted his CMO when he noticed Spock Prime flinched at the loud noise. "He didn't mean for that to happen. It couldn't be helped."

In the movie, Spock Prime was explaining that emotional transference was an effect of the mind meld.

"It couldn't be helped, my ass," McCoy grumbled. "That's _exactly_ what happens when Vulcans screw around with other people's minds." He glowered at Spock Prime for causing his friend to endure that unnatural mind melty thing. Vulcans!

"I let him do it, ok, Bones?" Kirk's steely expression screamed 'drop it'. Because he was such a kind southern gentleman with the interest of others put firmly before his own, Bones let it go.

The drama over for the moment, everyone watched as Spock and Jim made the long trek to the Federation outpost where Scotty was waiting for them.

"So Spock, there was something I've been meaning to ask you about the meld." Jim thought this would be the perfect time. Nothing major was happening on screen, just the introduction of Scotty's little alien friend, Keenser.

"What is that, Jim?" Prime responded.

"There was a word you kept calling me, well, the other me. What does t-"

"I do not believe that is a suitable topic of conversation at the present time and place," Spock Prime interrupted, actually _interrupted_ him. And was he blushing? Why? Jim was confused. All he did was ask a question!

"Ok, Spock, but you have to tell me sometime." Spock reluctantly agreed, as long as Jim would keep the information to himself. Like that would happen. Jim couldn't keep a secret to save his life. Unless it was a really important, deeply personal secret. Now those, he could keep.

Everyone was thankful that Jim finally shut his big mouth because Scotty had just showed up in the movie. Spock and Jim explained who they were and where they came from. Naturally, Scotty wanted to know if they still had sandwiches in the future, cause he was in love with sandwiches! Turkey, ham, BLT, banana and peanut butter, it didn't matter. He loved them all because they tasted YUMMY! The guy loved food so much he even mentioned that he tested his trans-warp beaming theory using a _grapefruit_ of all things.

Spock Prime almost keeled over in shock at Scotty's statement, especially when it cut to him and Jim in the movie for no apparent reason. Jim whacked him on the back in case he was choking. Spock Prime immediately felt better.

Eventually, Scotty was ready to test his "new" theory on himself and Jim, cause they needed to reach the_ Enterprise_, and pronto! Spock Prime admitted his fondness for cheating and changing time, thanks to the Kirk in his lifetime. Keenser and Scotty had an emotional goodbye that was in no way paralleling the other two who were forced to be separated. Jim and Scotty were successfully beamed aboard the _Enterprise_. Well, Jim was. Scotty was in hot water.

"Hey, Scotty, it's your moment of glory!" Jim shouted towards the kitchen.

"Ye cannae fool me, Captain," Scotty shouted back. "Ahm about to get sucked through those Jeffries tubes, aren't I? Well ye can forget it. Ahm not coming in there until ahm good and dry, ye hear me?"

"Loud and clear, Mr. Scott," said Jim, laughing as everyone watched himself chase Scotty in the tubes all around engineering. Thanks to Kirk's quick thinking, Scotty was released from the clutches of the turbines, and materialized on the floor. His head was buzzing and he was soaked, but otherwise he was fine.

"So that is why Mr. Scott was dripping on the bridge," Spock realized. Jim wisely refrained from making a smart-ass comment. They watched as Spock ordered Cupcake and friends (as opposed to Barney and friends, they hadn't met the Gorn yet) to seal off the engineering deck and capture the intruders. They were brought up to the bridge where Spock was going to assign the consequences to those who would dare infiltrate the ship during warp. Except, you know, Jim had other plans…

"Woohoo, my favorite part of the movie's coming up," Jim muttered, rolling his eyes as his cheeks flushed with anticipation. Yeah, he was embarrassed about losing a fight to Spock. That was it.

"Coincidentally, mine is as well," Spock agreed. (A/N: It really is ZQ's fav scene with Kirk, trust me on this one!) He did get some emotional satisfaction from watching himself beat the crap out of Kirk, who clearly deserved it for insulting his recently deceased mother. It was blatant cruelty to vulnerable half-Vulcans, and Spock wasn't going to just stand there and take it!

"It's my favorite as well!" Scotty called from the kitchen. "I get to set eyes on the lovely lassie for the first time!" Uhura grimaced, and moved closer to Spock if that was possible. Spock Prime chuckled at this, remembering the Scotty and Uhura from his time. It had taken them decades before they finally admitted their caring for one another. All those years wasted - it was a bitterly familiar concept to Spock, one he was trying to help those in this universe avoid if he could help it.

"Seriously, Spock, we need to work on your recognizing sarcasm skills," said Kirk, shaking his head. "Because me getting my ass kicked by you is _certainly_ not my favorite part of the movie. No way in hell! Why would_ anybody_ ever_ think_ that? My favorite part is when I get my Big Boy Captain medal!"

"Shh, the fight's about to start!" Nurse Chapel squealed as Spock asked how they managed to beam aboard the ship while moving at warp.

"Yeah, shut up, everyone, it's a good part," Bones agreed. The nurse and doctor glanced at each other, froze, then quickly looked away.

Spock Prime just sighed. He didn't know how much more he could take of all this unresolved sexual tension floating around between the characters! It reminded him of his own universe too much.

End Ch. 3

A/N: TBC! The best is still yet to come.


	4. Spock Versus Kirk

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nutrek blongs to Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman. Kirk isn't mine but we're working on that.

A/N: Just a warning, this is probably the most random chapter yet.

Warning: CRACK. Also, lame inside jokes for people who know Trek.

_The Enterprise Gang Watches Star Trek XI_

_Chapter 4: Spock versus Kirk_

In the film, Jim was just getting warmed up. He tried all sorts of ways to emotionally compromise Spock, and it looked like he was succeeding, partially. Chekov and Sulu finally decided to come back to the room and watch the movie.

"Wait!" Bones pulled out a universal remote and paused the movie.

Shouts of, "The hell?", "Why did you do zat?", and "Most illogical!" could be heard in protest.

"Seriously, Bones, why'd you pause the movie?" Kirk wanted to know.

"Before we get to the fight, I wanted to know what you thought of Spock thinking you needed to be broken." Kirk gave him an uncomprehending look.

"Huh?" Bones sighed.

"Were you not paying attention during that part?"

"Guess not," Kirk apologized.

"If you weren't so caught up in impressing Mr. Senile Senior Citizen here," Bones motioned to the elderly Vulcan.

"I'm not trying to impress him!" Kirk protested, sneaking a look at the amused Spock Prime. "And for the last time, he's not senile! Now, rewind and show me the part I missed."

"You know, that is not entirely necessary, Doctor," Spock cut in.

"Well, I deem that it _is_ necessary, so we're going to watch that part again." Bones glared at Spock, who raised an eyebrow in response.

They played back the scene where McCoy mentioned to Spock that if they were going to ride in the Kentucky Derby, they shouldn't leave their prize stallion in the stables. To which Spock replied, a stallion must first be broken.

Kirk laughed so hard, he fell right off the couch.

"Jim, are you alright?" Spock Prime asked with concern.

"I'm fine," Kirk replied, still wheezing from McCoy and Spock's exchange. "Oh, man, that is EPIC! So let me get this straight. You," he pointed to Bones, "compared me to a prize stallion, and you" he pointed to the young Spock, "think I need to be broken."

"Now wait a minute," Bones growled at the same time Spock said,

"That is not entirely accurate."

"That's what I heard," Uhura agreed, joining forces with Kirk for once in order to tease her boyfriend. "Right, Chekov?"

"Zat is what I heard!" The Russian happily affirmed.

"Me too," Sulu quickly agreed.

"Ach, lass, ah heard it all the way from in here!" Scotty yelled from the kitchen.

"Dammit, Jim, it was a metaphor," Bones growled.

"I know," said Kirk, still chuckling. "Spock, what's your excuse?"

"I was merely stating the fact that Cadet Kirk must learn to respect and obey authority," Spock added. "If I had known that Mr. Kirk would later hear my statement, I would have chosen my words more carefully."

"So, Spock, do you think that you're the one to teach me about obeying authority?" Kirk asked. The tips of his ears tinged green when he noticed Kirk's smirk directed at him.

"I did not say that," said Spock, glancing over at Uhura for help. But like the rest of the crew, she was having too much fun watching Spock be teased.

"Why, Spock, you're not embarrassed by your comment, are you?" McCoy teased.

"Embarrassment is not logical," Spock replied, looking pointedly away from Kirk.

"I can tell you from personal experience, Spock is embarrassed," Spock Prime volunteered.

"Fascinating. Even _myself_ gangs up on me," Spock observed, wanting very much to beam the hell out of there. "Will the Spock torture never cease?"

"Did somebody say TORTURE?" Nero leapt up.

"Sit back down, sir," Ayel soothed him. "We don't have access to our torture instruments at the moment."

"Aww." Judging from his pout, Nero seemed rather disappointed.

"Why do Nero and Ayel remind me of Mr. Burns and Smithers from the Simpsons?" Kirk wondered.

"Gross, Jim," Bones muttered. "Your dirty mind never ceases to amaze me."

"Why don't we move on with the movie?" Pike suggested, wanting to escape the moment of awkward creepiness. Everyone agreed, and Bones fast-forwarded to where they left off before.

Kirk's insults flew right and left. Once he accused Spock of never loving his dear mother, the poor Vulcan lost it, taking his fury at Nero out on Kirk. Rapid blows fell as Kirk tried in vain to defend himself from the raging Vulcan.

"Jim, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to let him win," Bones mused as the onscreen Kirk got his ass handed to him.

"Shut up, Bones," Kirk grumbled as he watched himself take a particularly rough punch. "I wasn't trying to win, I was trying to take command. And it worked too, eventually." Jim gasped for breath as Spock's abnormally hot fingers closed around his delicate throat, choking the life from him…

"Spock, I know he insulted your mother and all, but did you really have to lose control like that?" Uhura wondered, sounding a little worried. "If it had been me doing the insulting, would you have responded in the same way?"

"You would not insult my mother for any reason, therefore the question is irrelevant," Spock replied.

"I can provide my insights on the matter if you like, Miss Uhura," the older Spock offered.

"Pardon me, but I do not believe she was asking you," Spock sneered.

"Spock, you don't have to be so mean to him!" Uhura frowned slightly. "I like your older self. He's such a sweetheart." She smiled kindly at the old Spock, and patted his arm. He returned her sentiment.

"I can assure you that my older self does not appreciate being referred to as such," the young Vulcan insisted.

"On the contrary, I find your sentiment to be endearing," Spock Prime returned, nodding at Uhura. "You are quite more spirited than the Uhura of my time. Perhaps that is why you have caught his eye." Uhura looked pleased with herself as Spock Prime continued on. "Nevertheless, the only one who has ever caused myself to lose control of my emotions save for my father, is Jim Kirk. This was the case especially during my time of-" Kirk smirked when Spock prevented his counterpart from revealing too much, too soon. All in good time…

"Thank you for your insights," Spock cut him off loudly. "But we do not require an autobiography. It is not logical to share events which have not yet occurred, especially since my universe is an alternative to yours. I cannot understand why my elder self seems to have abandoned the principles of logic."

"You would do well to remember that logic is not the end but the beginning of all things," Spock Prime advised.

"Spock, I think you just got schooled by yourself," Jim pointed out with glee.

"Did your Kirk try your patience as much as this one does?" Spock asked himself.

"My Kirk was worse," said Spock Prime.

"I do not believe that is possible as your Kirk was undoubtedly more mature," Spock commented as he developed a massive headache. He couldn't imagine anyone being any more infuriating than the James Tiberius Kirk before him.

"I like this ship!" Scotty announced on screen, alerting everyone that they had just missed the conclusion on the fight.

"Dammit!" Bones cursed.

"Is that like your favorite word or something? Cause you sure say it a lot." Gaila wanted to know.

"I can't help it if 'dammit' is my favorite word!" McCoy's lower lip trembled, which prompted Christine Chapel to give him a hug.

"There, there, Leonard," she soothed. "Which you like me to get you a hypo?"

"Y-you would do that for me?" Bones blubbered.

"I would do anything for you, doctor," Christine confessed, batting her eyelashes and flipping her long, blonde hair at him.

"Gag me with a spoon," Ayel sniffed in distaste as the nurse rushed back to sickbay to find a sedative for Bones.

"This is coming from the man who spooned with Nero a few chapters back," Pike pointed out.

"Would you like to know what _my_ favorite word is?" Spock Prime offered out of the blue.

"No!" Spock exclaimed at the same time Kirk shouted,

"Hell yes!"

"I shall give you a hint," Spock Prime compromised as an anxious Chapel came running back with a sedative. "It starts with a t-" Spock hated to do it, really he did, but desperate times called for desperate measures. So he grabbed the hypo from Nurse Chapel and stuck it in Spock Prime's neck.

"Nooo!" Kirk screamed as Spock Prime flinched from the hypo. "_Nobody _hurts Spock Prime while I'm around." Bones rolled his eyes, having promptly recovered from his self-esteem issue.

"It's just a sedative, Jim. It's not going to hurt him." Spock Prime promptly passed out, going completely limp in Kirk's arms.

"But he's like 154 years old!" Kirk sniffed as he protectively cradled Spock Prime's head. "What if it really does make him reach the point of senility?"

"Let's just get back to the movie, ok?" Bones tried to placate his distressed friend.

"But-but, Spock Prime will miss this part!" Poor Kirk looked like he was about to cry.

"Do not cry, Keptin!" Chekov cried. "I'm sure old Spock vill not mind missing this part."

"Yeah," Sulu added.

"That's it?" Kirk frowned at Sulu. "Just, yeah? That's your only friendly word of support for the awesomest captain in Starfleet?" The Asian-American shrugged.

"I couldn't think of anything else to say."

"Then why say anything at all?" Kirk wanted to know.

"Because everyone knows that I have to say something right after Chekov. It's like the law or something," Sulu explained.

"I swear, nobody ever sends me the memos about new Starfleet regulations," sighed Kirk. He looked mildly pissed. "Whatever. Back to the movie."

"Wait a minute, Jim." Kirk sighed.

"What now, Bones?"

"I just wanted to point out that during your fight with Spock that you kept touching his hand with your hand. That's a like a major Vulcan taboo." Kirk shrugged.

"What in Scotland's name?!" Scotty yelled from the kitchen. "How could ye do such a thing?"

"Has this action offended you, Mr. Scott?" Spock wanted to know. The younger Spock, rather, because Old Spock was still passed out on Kirk's lap.

"No, ah was just talking to my spilled sandwich. Now ah have to start all over."

"What a tragedy," Spock deadpanned.

"Duh, I had to touch his hand," Kirk sighed. "He was trying to choke me to death. I was trying to get him OFF. What part of that don't you understand?!!?!"

"Yeah, but you looked like you were enjoying the fight a little too much for me to believe that," Bones mused.

"You really did," Uhura agreed. "It was almost like you took pleasure in being choked by Spock. Course, that's not really that surprising. It doesn't take much for you, does it Kirk?"

"Moi?" Kirk gave her his most innocent face, which didn't fool her in the slightest. "Well, it's not _my_ fault if people think the Spock versus Kirk fight was sexy. I've found at least three fanvids of the fight set to Lady Gaga songs on youtube!" Nero and Ayel pointedly looked away. Because they weren't responsible for the creation of those fanvids, not at all.

"Ok, let's take a vote," Pike offered. "Who thinks Kirk had a little too much fun during his fight with Spock?" Everyone in the room raised their hand except for Spock. Kirk raised both of his hands and so did Spock Prime even though he was unconscious.

"Now that that's settled," said Bones, putting the movie back on. Spock was not pleased, even when Kirk insisted he'd only been joking when he raised his hands.

Spock had just declared himself emotionally compromised and left the bridge with Sarek, to find out that Sarek loved his mother after all.

"You know, Spock, you didn't have to leave the bridge just because I became captain," said Kirk.

"That was not why I left," Spock clarified. "My father had been suffering from the effects of the severed bond with my mother. Apparently it is the most painful feeling in the universe, and I could not leave him alone during such a trying time. Not that any of you could know that, of course."

"Actually…" Spock Prime stirred on Kirk's lap. "I can confirm this. I grieve with your father - nothing has pained me more than the death of my bondmate."

"Oh please," Spock shook his head. He didn't want to think about losing Uhura but the fact remained that his lifespan was as twice as hers. "Do I really want to know?"

"Probably not," Spock Prime inferred.

"Keptin Kirk, Keptin Kirk!" Chekov exclaimed onscreen.

"Yes, Mr. Chekov, what is it?" The young Russian explained to his captain how he had come up with a plan for them to travel towards Earth under a cloak of inwisibility thanks to one of Titan's moons. Sulu immediately agreed with the boy genius, as did Mr. Scott. Spock decided it would be a good idea to beam aboard the Narada to dismantle the drill once they reached their destination. Kirk wasn't about to let Spock go alone. Spock agreed to take Kirk along because it was better than having to listen to him talk. Kirk was thrilled to be given the chance to get to know Spock better and slapped him on the shoulder. Hard. Spock was not amused.

"Ooh, here comes another one of my favorite scenes!" Chapel squealed. "Spock and Uhura make out on the transporter while Kirk and Scotty have to watch and hope that someday they will stop dating each other." Spock and Uhura cuddled up together again on the couch in preparation for their epic goodbye scene. They were so involved in each other that they didn't hear Chapel's comment.

"Most ironic," Spock Prime commented.

"Hey, Scotty, get in here," Kirk yelled. "Come share the moment."

"I'll be right there, Captain!" Scotty entered the room, staggering under the weight of a two foot Dagwood sandwich with lots of extra bacon. He also brought a grapefruit for Kirk. They were going to need the food to get through this. Scotty would totally fight Spock for the hand of the beautiful lassie, except for the fact that Vulcans are three times stronger than humans. If Captain Kirk was any indication, he'd get his ass whooped for sure!

"Oh well," Kirk and Scotty sighed in unison as they watched Spock take Uhura into his arms in preparation for their goodbye. "There's always the sequel."

End Ch. 4

A/N: TBC! The best is still yet to come.


	5. Happy Ending Sequel Speculation

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nutrek blongs to Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman. Kirk isn't mine but we're working on that.

A/N: Finally, I finished this! Still almost done with the Mission to Gamus chapter, will post that tomorrow. I hope you think it's as funny as I do. : )

Warning: CRACK. Also, lame inside jokes for people who know Trek.

_The Enterprise Gang Watches Star Trek XI_

Chapter 5: Happy Ending/Sequel Speculation

Everyone watched as Spock and Uhura said their heartfelt goodbye on the transporter. Only this time the couple got to watch the scene from an objective point of view.

"Spock, we look so good together," Uhura sighed in the Vulcan's arms. Spock Prime suddenly became fascinated with his shoes, missing the scene altogether. Kirk, however, watched with rapt attention.

"Indeed we do," Spock agreed. "However, I do not understand why you had to inform me that you would be monitoring my frequency. Would you not continue to carry out the task that is part of your job?"

"I just meant that I was going to do everything I could to keep you safe," she elaborated. "I was afraid for your life, I just wanted to let you know that I was looking out for you."

"It was an illogical statement, as I am already aware of your feelings for me" Spock commented. "Becoming overly sentimental can interfere with your capabilities to perform at peak efficiency."

"Well, excuse me for caring," she snapped. "That's what _humans_ do in situations like that. They reassure each other!"

"Guys, don't fight," Kirk protested. "You had a hot make out scene. I have to say, I was jealous. I really wanted a piece of that action." Uhura was insulted.

"How many times do I have to tell you, Kirk, I'm not going to go out with you!" she insisted. Jim rolled his eyes, turning to Spock to see what he had to say. As usual, Spock raised his trademark eyebrow.

"You were watching us kiss goodbye at the time, Jim?" Kirk scoffed.

"Uh, NO. I was just glancing in that general direction. SHEESH." Spock was not fooled by Kirk's BS.

"I would appreciate it if you would give us privacy should a similar situation occur in the future," said the Vulcan.

"Psh, privacy," Kirk mutted. "Anyone who was in the transporter room had a great view of your scene. Whatever happened to Vulcan privacy?" Spock glared at him.

"Our mission had only a 5% chance of success. We had approximately a minute left before departure and I wished to convey my gratitude to Nyota for-"

"No way," Kirk refuted. "Gratitude is what I wish to express to my grandmother for giving me the same old boring sweater every Christmas. You were expressing something to Uhura but gratitude was not it." While Kirk and Spock were arguing, it was Uhura's turn to round on Scotty, who had also been watching their goodbye with great interest.

Uhura frowned at the Chief Engineer.

"Mr. Scott, were you checking me out when I was in the middle of a heartfelt goodbye with my boyfriend?"

"I…uh…" Poor Mr. Scott turned beet red. Spock Prime chuckled to himself as Scotty tried to cover up his feelings for the beautiful communications officer. "I confess, I was watching ye. But I couldn't help it! Ye were right there in front of my station. What was I supposed to do, turn around?"

"Yes, that would have been more polite," she said in all seriousness. "Spock and I were having a special moment."

"Aye, lass," Scotty sighed rather dejectedly. "I do feel a bit guilty about that. Maybe I can do something to make up for my offense. Do ye like small furry animals?" Uhura shrugged.

"I guess so. Why?" Scotty immediately produced a tribble that was hanging out in his jacket pocket and handed it to Uhura.

"OMG, it's so cuuuuuute!" She sighed, and the tribble trilled in contentment. "Can I keep him?"

"Her," Scotty corrected. "Her name is Fluffy Bunny and aye, ye may keep her. Just don't feed her after midnight or expose her to bright lights and you'll be fine."

"Thanks, Scotty!" Uhura exclaimed, hugging the tribble to her cheek. It increased its soft cooing sound, almost like a purr. "I forgive you. I love Fluffy Bunny! I'm going to take good care of you, yes I am!" Uhura continued to talk baby talk to the tribble until Bones intervened.

"Can we get back to watching the movie now?" the doctor complained. "All of this cutesy stuff is giving me a headache."

"Sure, Bonesy," Kirk commented, slapping him on the back. He and Spock had tabled their argument, for now.

"Spock, look at Fluffy Bunny!" Uhura squealed, handing the tribble to the Vulcan. "Isn't she the most adorable thing _ever_?"

"Very nice," Spock commented. "However, I am immune to the effects the tribble produces on humans. I do not find her 'cute' or 'adorable'. Nevertheless, Spock kept petting the tribble anyway. Kirk chuckled at the rather adorable scene, watching as the Vulcan crooned nonsense words to the tribble under his breath, before returning his attention to the movie.

They all watched as Kirk and Spock were beamed aboard the _Narada_, materializing in the Romulan infested cargo bay. Immediately they pulled out their phasers and initiated a phaser fight with the Romulans.

"Look, Spock, that Romulan looks like he could be your brother," Kirk commented as the camera zoomed in on the first Romulan to discover them. (A/N: That Romulan is played by ZQ's brother, Joe. Tis funny, no?)

"Oh my Surak, what if it WAS my brother?" Spock cried. Kirk frowned.

"You actually have a brother?"

"Well, I have a half brother. His name is Sybok and he left Vulcan when I was three years of age," Spock sniffed. "He was a genius."

"So are you," Kirk reminded him. "You're plenty logical and shit. And you have cool telepathic powers."

"Not like Sybok," Spock shook his head. "He was full Vulcan. He had more telepathic powers than I did. It made him very powerful. I hardly measured up in comparison."

"That wasn't your brother, son," Sarek reassured Spock. "Even Sybok isn't crazy enough to join forces with future Romulans."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," Spock Prime mumbled. "He did hijack the _Enterprise_ in a quest to find God, once."

"And how did that work out?" Kirk wondered.

"That is not for your ears," Spock Prime gently chided. "I will say despite how interesting it sounds, it was probably our dullest adventure ever. Although, my captain and I had a memorable moment of our own in front of the Klingons." Kirk's curiosity was peaked.

"For the love of God and all that is holy, don't ask, Jim," Bones pleaded. Jim crossed his arms over his chest and glared defiantly at Bones.

"Wasn't gonna!"

.~.

Returning their attention to the movie, everyone watched as Spock and Kirk worked as a team to defeat the Romulans with their phasers. Then they discovered the Vulcan ship, the _Jellyfish_, that Spock Prime had flown on his journey to the past. They took refuge inside the Vulcan ship while they made last minute plans. Spock decided to fly the Vulcan ship into the _Narada_ and Kirk decided to rescue Captain Pike before Spock damaged the _Narada_.

"Ooh look, I found the secret IDIC!" Kirk crowed, pointing toward the blue glass window. "See there's the big circle, and Spock's chair is the triangle and-"

"You know what an IDIC is?" Spock said, surprised. "I did not believe you knew _anything_ about Vulcan culture! All you care about is yourself."

"Spock, you have got to stop underestimating me," Kirk insisted.

"He's right, you know," Spock Prime added. "In time you will discover many things about James T. Kirk, many of which will pleasantly surprise you."

"Forgive me for not jumping for joy," said Spock.

Onscreen, Spock was still speaking to Kirk.

"If I do not return, please tell Nyota…"

"Spock, it'll work," Kirk insisted. Uhura frowned and turned to Spock.

"What were you going to ask him to tell me?"

"I wanted to make sure you knew that if I did not make it back, you were free to finish off my leftover plomeek soup. I did not want it to go to waste," Spock explained.

"Oh," she said, sounding disappointed.

In the movie, Spock did his thing with the Vulcan ship while Kirk went after Pike. However, before he could find Pike, he ran across Nero. But instead of just shooting the man, Kirk warned him to surrender.

"Jim, I did not know you had the opportunity to shoot the man who killed your father and instead you showed him mercy," said Spock. "That is not logical. I thought you of all people would have-"

"You thought wrong," Kirk interrupted. "I may be many things, but I do not kill in cold blood." Spock stared at his captain with the utmost respect. After all, _Spock_ certainly had no qualms about killing Nero after what he'd done to cause Vulcan's implosion and the death of his mother.

As Kirk got beat up and tossed around by Nero and Ayel, Spock Prime visibly winced. He did not enjoy watching the young version of his old friend be harmed in any way. Finally, Kirk was able to defeat the Romulans and rescue Pike, who had his own BAMF moment when he grabbed Kirk's phaser to gun down a stray Romulan about to shoot Kirk when his back was turned.

"That's right, I've still got it," Pike said smugly.

Then Kirk called the _Enterprise _to beam him and Pike the hell outta there. They soon materialized on the transporter next to Spock, who had crashed his ship into the_ Narada_ as promised. Even though they were exhausted, Kirk and Spock still were on duty so they headed for the bridge. Kirk offered assistance to Nero if he wanted it, but Nero wasn't down with that. So they tore his ship apart, causing it to get sucked into the black hole. Unfortunately, the_ Enterprise_ was slowly being sucked into the same black hole. Scotty had a genius moment when he detonated the warp cores to propel them away from the forces of the black hole, allowing the ship to break free.

"Look, I saved us all!" Scotty exclaimed. Keenser patted Scotty's knee cause that was about all he could reach.

"We were lucky we found you at the outpost on Delta Vega. What were the odds that I'd find you AND Spock Prime on the same planet?" Kirk deadpanned.

"Approximately six thousand five hundred-"

"Spock, it was a rhetorical question," Kirk groaned.

"Of course, I knew that, Captain."

.~.

A few days later, it was time for Kirk's promotion ceremony. Everyone cheered as their captain received his medal of honor. Spock, however, had not been present during Kirk's ceremony. Instead, he'd been meeting with his future self.

"What the HELL?" Kirk protested as they watched the scene between the two Spocks. He rounded on Spock Prime. "You told me that if I told Spock about you, the world would end or something bad like that." Spock Prime gave Kirk a small, impish grin.

"I did not. You inferred that on your own."

"I regret ever teaching you how to cheat," Kirk groaned.

Onscreen, Spock Prime finished telling his younger self about the friendship that he and Kirk were destined to have. It would define them both, in ways they could not yet realize.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Spock asked.

"You will discover that in time," said Spock Prime.

"Oh yes, we will," Kirk agreed, waggling his eyebrows at Spock, who looked away in annoyance.

The scene changed. Kirk was wearing command gold, and the Enterprise was about to depart for her first mission under command of Captain James T. Kirk. Everyone was at their usual stations – Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, Scotty, and even Bones was present. The only one missing from the GQMF bunch was Spock. But he showed up just as soon as Kirk finished saying 'thrusters'. Go figure.

During the part where Spock asked for permission to come aboard the _Enterprise_ and Kirk granted him permission, there was a sad sniffle from the end of the couch. It was Spock Prime!

"It is most illogical to display emotion," said Spock.

"Indeed," said Sarek. Both Vulcans turned their disapproving gazes on Spock Prime.

"Spock, I think you need to go easier on him," said Kirk, gesturing to the ambassador. "He's been through a lot. Also, I think I like him better than you right now. You're more fun when you're old." Spock tried not to take offense at this remark.

"Ambassador Spock, what's the matter?" Uhura wanted to know, feeling sorry for the old Vulcan. But the ambassador didn't give her any clues – his shoulders just kept shaking.

"I think he's missing the Kirk from his timeline," Jim inferred.

"You are correct." Spock Prime admitted. "We often said those exact words on numerous occasions over the years."

"How did you know that, Jim?" Bones wondered.

"It's the only time Old Spock ever gets emotional," said Kirk, pulling Spock Prime in for a hug. "They were BFFs after all."

"Like that will happen," said Spock.

The movie came to a close with one last look at the bridge crew of the _Enterprise_. Bones pressed 'stop' and the viewscreen went blank.

Except for a muttered "fascinating", no one said a word. They all just sat and stared.

"Well I had an epic death," Olson said finally.

"Dude, your death was stupid." Kirk said.

"Not to mention unnecessary," Spock added.

"I know." Olson hung his head. "But wasn't it cool how I burst into a flaming ball of death? It was almost as cool as the time when I got to say 'that's the best pirate I've ever seen' in a Johnny Depp movie…"

"No it wasn't cool, fool!" Sulu growled, sounding uncharacteristically ghetto. "You had the charges! We could've been killed thanks to your stupidity!"

"Wait a sec, Olson, how is it that are you here?" Kirk wanted to know. "You're supposed to be dead. In fact, who else here is really dead?" Meekly, George, Amanda, Gaila, Nero, and Ayel raised their hands.

"There's no way to put this nicely, but… GET THE HELL OUT!" Bones cried. "I'm a doctor, not an undertaker!"

"James, what about me? I'm your father!" George pleaded. Kirk shrugged.

"Rules are rules. Except Gaila can stay, on grounds that she's hot and we don't really know whether she died or not."

"Goodbye, Sarek, my love! Stay logical when I'm gone!" Amanda bid her husband a final farewell. (As if Sarek knew how to be anything but logical.)

"Miss you, babe," George Kirk said to his wife.

"George, don't leave me!" Winona cried. "I need you!"

"Psh, woman!" George held up his hand. "You've got FRANK now. You settled for a crappy replacement! I wanted you to be happy, but noooooooooo." George was _done _with mortals – in heaven he didn't have to deal with this shit. Shuffling their feet, the deceased left the cave and went toward the light. Kirk received massive death glares from Spock, Sarek, and Winona.

"Thanks, Jimmy, for letting me stay!!" Gaila gave Kirk a massive hug.

"Careful of the neck!" Kirk croaked. "I'm still a little sore because SOMEBODY decided it was a good idea to choke the life outta me." He glared right back at Spock.

"With all that glaring going on between you two, I'm beginning to see strange flares of light," Bones grumbled. "It's really annoying."

Out of nowhere, Chekov burst into tears.

"Pavel, what's the matter?" Sulu said, sounding concerned.

"I miss Russia and I'm the only sewenteen year old on the ship!" Chekov sobbed. "I just feel so inadequate compared to you guys. I barely have any experience in space." Sulu gave him a hug and he felt better. Chekov decided to always go to Sulu whenever he was feeling angsty because the guy was nice enough to listen. And he gave good hugs. And cuddles. Chekov liked to cuddle, especially with Sulu.

"So…" said Kirk, not really sure how to react to an emotional Chekov. He really wanted to change the subject. Luckily, Bones did that for him.

"Where do you think the _Enterprise _crew will go from here, Jim?" Bones wanted to know.

"Who cares?" Kirk answered, ever flippant. "All I know is, I'm the youngest captain in the fleet and I'm in command of the flagship. I've wanted the _Enterprise_ ever since I laid eyes on her in that shipyard in Iowa. And nothing or no one is _ever_ going to come between me and her."

No one noticed as Spock Prime visibly twitched.

"I just hope you don't try to steal Nyota away from Spock," Scotty ventured.

"Even _I'm_ not that much of a bastard," said Kirk, shaking his head. "They're in a committed relationship. I can control my jealousy. But if Nyota and Spock do break up, well…" He shot them the famous Kirk smirk. "All's fair in love and war."

"I'll fight ye for her if I ha' to, Captain!" Scotty insisted. "Cause, really, if I was able to date Nyota, I'd give her all I've got. Would you really do the same?" Kirk just shook his head. Scotty was really missing the point.

"Uh, I'm right here?" Uhura pointed out, waving at them. "I'll make my own choices about who I'm going to date, thank you very much."

"You know, I'll bet there's going to be a lot of male bonding between Kirk and Spock in the sequel, since you guys are supposed to become BFFs and all," Pike interjected, not wanting Uhura to get too riled up.

"Pardon me?" Spock's eyebrows flew up to his forehead. "Please elaborate on the subject of male bonding."

"Like competitive stuff – seeing who has the better ratings from the crew, playing chess, drinking competitions, etc." Kirk cut in. "You know, buddy things."

"Ah. Yes, of course," said Spock, looking relieved. Kirk chuckled.

"What did you think I meant?" Spock didn't answer, although his older counterpart had been seized by yet another major coughing fit. Spock Prime, for one, really hoped he lived long enough to see the sequel. He couldn't wait to see this universe's take on his and Kirk's epic friendship. And the male bonding sounded interesting too.

The End

A/N: This madness has come to an end! Tell me what you thought!!


End file.
